Where's My Pie?

Oh dear friend, have you seen my pie?
It has disappeared from my sight
Oh, I am about to cry
Ooh, where's my pie?

It was made of berries and honey drops
It was outside crusty, inside soft
Oh, I am about to cry
Ooh, where's my pie?

I left it on the table to cool down for a little while
But when I returned to eat, it was gone

How can a legless pie just be gone?
I feel that there is something wrong
Oh, I am about to cry
Ooh, where's my pie?
Ooh, where's my pie?
Ooh, where's my pie?

Where are you, pie?
Please, come back
I am so hungry
Come back
Into my tummy!

About the song

This is one of my oldest pie tunes. It might have been inspired by the fact that I accidentaly sold my prized pie to a vendor who never returned it. Well, I have a thousand pies in my cellar, so... This tune is best sung to I'm on Fire, a song by Bruce Springsteen.

Bruce Springsteen – I'm on Fire

Pie in the Sky

Some folks put their faith in the gods
Others trust in money and gold
But I am just a hobbit and fool
‘Cause all I ever think of is food
So filling
That's how it is
I don’t care what others are thinking

I dream of a life full of meals
Pies, tarts, eggs with mushrooms and cheese
I could munch until my gums are all sore
Until I can’t just take any more
Believe me
But there is one thing
That still keeps me going

I hear the pie in the sky calling for me
“Come and eat this pie!”
“I am the god of all foods”
“Just meant for you-you-you”
“Waiting up in the sky”
And I really think I can fly so I could
I could eat that pie
I could eat that pie
I would eat that pie
I will eat that pie!

Folks say that I eat too much food
“Munching day and night, it ain’t good!”
But my belly is rumbling for more
I’m drooling at my neighbour’s old boar
Dear heavens!
There must be more food in this life, surely!

I hear the pie in the sky calling for me
“Come and eat this pie!”
“I am the god of all foods”
“Just meant for you-you-you”
“Waiting up in the sky”
And I really think I can fly so I could
I could eat that pie
I could eat that pie
I would eat that pie
I will eat that pie!

I hear the pie in the sky calling for me
“Come and eat this pie!”
“I am the god of all foods”
“Just meant for you-you-you”
“Waiting up in the sky”
And I really think I can fly so I could
I could eat that pie
I could eat that pie
I would eat that pie
I will eat that pie!

About the song

There was a pierate who once wanted to catch the pie in the sky... and I bet some other hobbits have drooled after it as well. Here is a song for them fools, best hummed to Eye in the Sky, a tune by the Alan Parsons Project.

 The Alan Parsons Project - Eye in the Sky

Perfect Pies

A sweet lass has woken up quite early
To start the day with meals that make her smile
She picks up spoons and bowls from a trolley
It’s time to cook a perfect morning pie

She loads a tray with dough and good filling
The pie is bursting like a girl’s heart
She hears how her own belly starts rumbling
She can’t resist a perfect berry tart

Now she sits with the pie on her doorstep
Wants to tuck in and enjoy her pie
Then she hears a restless rustle in the fence
The neighbour lad looks at her with hungry eyes:

“You can't hide your perfect pies!”
“Could you hand me one enormous slice?”
“I thought by now you'd realize”
“There’s no way to hide your perfect pies”

Another day, another pie is baking
She peers out, with anxious eyes
She locks the door, feeling her hands shaking
She can’t let that lad take her perfect pies

She takes the pie and sits down by the fire
When she hears a loud, shrieking scream
It is the lad, falling down the chimney
Black as night, but his face brightly beams

“You can't hide your perfect pies”
“Could you hand me one enormous slice?”
“I thought by now you'd realize”
“There’s no way to hide your perfect pies”

She loads a cart with boxes that smell lovely
Wheels it down the winding forest road
She finds a place where she can dine safely
The neighbour cannot reach her anymore

Yet again, when she unloads her carriage
Someone comes trampling through the woods
There he comes, that round boy from her village
Leaping over rocks and toadstools

The lass looks at him and cannot help but smile
“Oh dear boy, you surely love my pies!”
“For them you always go the extra mile”
“You surely have opened up my own eyes”

“I won’t hide my perfect pies”
“Instead, I’ll be your wife”
“Only now I realize”
“There’s no need to hide my perfect pies”
“There’s no need to hide my perfect pies”
“There’s no need to hide my perfect pies”

About the song

Here's another song about pies and love! They often go together in the Shire. This one is best sung to an Eagles tune, Lyin' Eyes.

Eagles – Lyin' Eyes

Hungry Hobbits

I am agile, as hobbits are
My wits are fine, it's not that
But one thing is too much for me
It's the thing that makes me mad:

Every time I carry pies
I lose 'em to hungry hobbits!

Holly calls me, she asks for help
"Deliver the pie, don't fail me"
But again, I can't dodge those folks
They are waiting in every corner

Every time I carry pies
I lose 'em to hungry hobbits!
Every time I carry pies
I lose 'em to hungry hobbits!
Every time I carry pies
I lose 'em to hungry hobbits!

The pie to Woodhall's gone, eaten again
Those hungry hobbits, they took it down
And even as them pies were all spoiled
It won't halt hungry hobbits!

Every time I carry pies
I lose 'em to hungry hobbits!
Every time I carry pies
I lose 'em to hungry hobbits!
Every time I carry pies
I lose 'em to hungry hobbits!
Every time I carry pies
I lose 'em to hungry hobbits!

About the song

This song has been inspired by the LOTRO questline where you need to deliver some pies and avoid hungry hobbits along the way. It is best sung to a tune by Velvet Revolver, Fall To Pieces.

 

Velvet Revolver – Fall To Pieces

Cherry Pie and Me

When the weather is bad, I just stay inside
With the one that I love, so tasty and nice
Cherry pie and me

Nothing compares to you, no pie is so sweet
As yer my dear love, yer all that I need
Cherry pie and me

All I want to eat is you

Outside a nice crust, inside a sweet heart
The most perfect pie as there can be
Cherry pie and me

I hope no-one gets between you and me
Our love's to share with nobody else
Cherry pie and me

All I want to eat is you
All I want to eat is you

Cherry pie and me
Cherry pie and me




About the song

This song is about love... to a cherry pie. Very hobbity. Best hummed to a tune about a Cherry Blossom Girl by Air. Here, you can see me perform the tune at my burrow.

 

Pycella Woodberry – Cherry Pie and Me

A Thousand Pies

Once I saw a boy, such a joy
His eyes burnt so bright

But he liked adventuring
Like no hobbit never does, never does
He went away

But I need him
And I miss him
And now I wonder...

If I could bake
All those pies
Do you think he'd change his mind?
'Cause I would give him a thousand pies
If that could just bring him...
Home

Sometimes lads lose their minds
They go so wild
Oh that darn Tookish side!

Why they just can't stay
Let their hair turn gray
Resting in the lap of a pie seller girl?

And I need him
And I miss him
And now I wonder...

If I could bake
All those pies
Do you think he'd change his mind?
'Cause I would give him a thousand pies
If that could just bring him...
Home

Home, home
If I could bring him home
With pies, pies

If I could lure him
With pies, pies
Bring him back
Would it work?

Distance can strengthen love
But it makes one sore
So cold to sleep alone

That boy is a fool
Likes adventuring too
It's so, just so dangerous

But I still need him
And I still miss him
And now I wonder....

If I could bake
All those pies
Do you think he'd change his mind?
'Cause I would give him a thousand pies
If that could just bring him...

If I would bake
All those pies
I am sure he'd change his mind!
When a lad gets a thousand pies
That will bring him...
Or at least lure him...
Home

About the song

Here is one of my first tunes where pies and love are combined into a sweet mixture. It is best sung to a similar tune about Thousand Miles. Here you can see me perform the tune in me burrow.

 

Pycella Woodberry - A Thousand Pies

The Queen of Pies

Once upon a time there was a kitchen, a hobbit and some cooking supplies. And afterwards, there was a pie too. It was a splendid berry pie, containing criminal amounts of sugar, cream and fresh blueberries. The pie crust was perfect and crunchy as well. The hobbit baker looked at the pie proudly and concluded:
”This pie is so perfect it must be a royal one, a Queen of Pies!”
The pie listened and blushed, feeling proud of herself.

The hobbit took the pie down into the cellars and put it on a high shelf. From there, the newly-proclaimed Queen observed her piedom. It looked at the other foods that were kept on the other shelves. There was some old cheese at the bottom, smelling worse than an old sock. There was an ale keg in the corner, having a slight hiccup. And there, only one shelf down, was a scone, staring at the pie and looking sour.

The pie looked at her piedom with disgust. The other foods didn't seem to know who she was! The Queen of Pies! So she cleared her throat and declared:
”I am the Queen of Pies, and this is my piedom!”
”Let it be known that royal cream flows in my veins.”
”The berry jewels in my crusty crown shine like diamonds.”
”All shall kneel and bow before me, for I am the Queen of Pies!”
The pie stopped and waited for an applause, but all she got was a burst of ale when the keg broke into heavy laughter.
”My oh my! I almost forgot how silly these whobbly wheat discs can be!”
”Pardon me, what did you just call me... er, Us?” the pie asked and tried to act royal.
But the keg couldn't answer, it just kept laughing and spilling ale on the floor.
Finally, the old cheese spoke.
”Another royal pie, then? That must mean that there will be a party soon enough.”
”Oh, a party for me?” the pie asked.
”Well, I suppose you will be the star of the party,” the sour scone hissed.
”I think I will miss that party, like always, but it doesn't matter!” it added and looked away.
”I can't wait!” said the pie, looking excited.
”Now lass, don't be suicidal,” the old, cynical cheese said.
”You better enjoy this piedom of yours as long as it is possible.”
”This forsaken den, you mean?” the pie asked. ”This brings me no joy at all!”
”Why am I laughing then?” chuckled the keg and resumed laughing, being full.
The scone turned and spoke again.
”Your royal sweetness will be your doom! This is a hobbit's den!”
The pie looked baffled. ”What does that mean?”
”It means they are going to eat you at one of their parties, unlike us,” the old cheese said.
”So you better get sour and bitter soon, save yourself!” the cheese added.
The pie was horrified. Eaten! By a hobbit, her maker!
”But they said that I am a Queen of Pies...” she whispered.
”That's what they all say,” the old cheese sighed. ”It just means you're doomed.”
The pie was thunderstruck. What a destiny! She didn't want to get eaten, but how could she prevent that?
She couldn't escape, and she wasn't sour and bitter at all, with all that sugar...


Time passed and soon it was the party day. The pie was taken outside and put onto a picnic table. At last, the pie was surrounded by other royal foods worthy of her company, but it didn't cheer her up... For she knew what was about to happen.

The party was in full swing and the eating was about to start, when suddenly, there was a cry...
”Run! It is Lobelia, she is coming!”
A storm of running and jumping hobbits broke out, and the part table was knocked down. Before she knew it, the Queen of Pies was flying through the air... The pie landed on the ground and started to roll down a steep hill, the Hill.

It was the first Midsummer Picnic that was interrupted by Lobelia, of course, but the pie didn't know anything of that. Down she rolled and finally hit the Party Tree. There she lay, wondering if anyone saw her escape.

After a while, the night came and it started to get cold. Suddenly, the pie heard the sound of footsteps... No, it was the sound of pawsteps! A family of badgers was passing by.

It consisted of a mother with her litter. The pups looked scrawny and hungry. The pie looked at them and felt sorry for the small critters. She opened her crust a little and let out a tasty smell of her berry filling. That caught the badgers' attention, and they came to the tree, running.
That night, the badger family had the best feast of all summer. It was a royal meal, after all.

And how about the pie? It felt like the star of the party. It filled the badgers' bellies happily ever after.
Or at least for a couple of hours.

The End.

((The story was inspired by the Grand Summer Picnic and its background story, although this pie story here has a different ending.))

The Plump Hobbit

This is a story about a hobbit called Will.

When Will was born, his mother soon took notice of the boy's love for all edible things. Even among hobbits who love food above everything, Will stood out with his endless appetite. He could easily clean up a fully laden feast table of food all by himself. He licked the dishes so clean that the dishwashing seemed unnecessary. That made the dishwashers happy, but the mother was exhausted – she had to cook like a storm for the boy. Wiping sweat from her brow, she used to say:
"I just wait for the day when that boy is grown up and marries a sweet lass. Then I can pass all this cooking on to her!"

But getting a lass for Will wasn't an easy task. You know, all that eating had a great impact on Will's appearance... To put it kindly, he was a bit plump and not that popular with the girls. At least the ones that could cook. That didn't bother Will for a long time though, because he only had eyes for one thing: food.

When Will reached the end of his tweens, he suddenly realised that he had fallen in love. The lucky lass was one of the most esteemed pie bakers of the Shire. The only problem was that the lass was already engaged to another lad. She had no eyes for the plump hobbit, even though Will visited her pie shop on a daily, sometimes even on an hourly basis. But Will didn't give up.
"She is not married yet," he thought. "There is still hope!"

But all too soon, the wedding day dawned. The whole Shire was invited. And all came, at least to gobble down the pies. There were at least a hundred of them, all baked by the talented fiancée. Will was there too, looking shyly at the pies and their pretty baker.

All of a sudden, the baker lass gasped and broke into tears.
"Oh my! I have lost my wedding ring!" she cried.
"It must have gotten into one of those pies while baking!"
"The wedding is ruined!" she wept.
It seemed impossible to find the ring, as there were so many pies. But not too many for one particular hobbit lad...
"Do not worry, Miss. I will find that ring for you," Will said.
"But how?" the baker lass asked.
Without an answer, Will walked to the first pie table and started eating. He chewed each slice carefully, trying to spot a possible ring inside it. Folks gaped at him while he ate the pies like there was no tomorrow.
"How can he take that all?" they whispered.
"One more slice and he will explode! And I will lose my appetite!" someone groaned.
And many said...
"He never stops eating! A disgusting display...but that reminds me, I am rather hungry! Where is supper?"
But Will didn't explode nor stop; he went on, determined. Then, suddenly, people saw him frown.
"Oh no! He will heave now!" the guests gasped.

But Will didn't heave; he just opened his mouth, full of pie, and pulled something out...
Will wobbled to the baker lass and, losing his balance, kneeled in front of her, holding a ring in his hand.
Will tried to say something, but his mouth was still full of pie and he could only mumble. Everyone watched the scene with excitement. Did Will propose her?
The baker lass took the ring and gasped: "Oh, Will!"
But all that the guests could hear was: "I will!"
And so they started to cheer and congratulate.
The baker lass blushed, realising the awkwardness of the situation.
"Oh well," she thought. "Who could be a better husband than Will?"
"He ate all those pies for me, despite the risk of being humiliated himself."
So she said, this time loud and clear: "Yes, I am happy to have you as my husband!"
That made Will very happy.

After the wedding incident, Will no longer was a joke among hobbits; he gained some respect too. And so, one day he even reached a notable position in the Shire.

By now, you should know whom this story has been about...
Yes, our Mayor Will Whitfoot, the Old Flourdumpling.
May he will happily ever after, and never stop eating.
The End.