Minnie the Pig

Once upon a time, there was a highly-appraised scholar living in a peaceful hobbit village. In this story, the hobbit goes by the name… Bobby. He had a great passion for ancient, old scripts that could be found in the most peculiar places, like in shattered pitchers or nasty creatures pocketses. The lasses sighed dreamily when he rode past on his pony, heading for another scholarly adventure. When he came back, his hat tip was broken and he looked battered (be blamed the branches for that), but his backpack was bursting with old paper scraps he had “found” on his travels. As a result, Bobby had an outstanding collection of fine relics, documents, letters and berry pie recipes in his study. Except for his travels, his life was pleasant and uneventful, with no big troubles at home…
…until a pig farmer moved into his village.

This pig farmer was a very nice lady; let’s call her Pippa. Pippa had only one pig, Minnie, which she kept for breeding piglets. Pippa believed that all happy pigs are free-roaming pigs, so she didn’t confine Minnie to a pigsty. For Minnie, the whole universe was a pigsty. Or at least the neighbourhood.

One fine morning, Master Bobby stepped out from his burrow. The weather was nice, so he decided to study his scrolls outside at his garden table while enjoying some breakfast. Bobby spread his ancient parchments carefully onto the table, as they were quite fragile.
“Now all I need is a second cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin,” he said and returned back inside, humming a tune. But when he returned with his mug and muffin, he faced a terrible sight: a striped, plump pig was nibbling his precious parchments!
“Stop right there!” he yelled and darted towards the pig. “Away from my yard!”
The startled pig didn’t dawdle: it jumped right over the table, kicking it down, running away with a scroll in its mouth. The poor scholar had to dodge the table and tumbled to the ground. The coffee was all over his trousers and the muffin had landed on the face of his garden dwarf.
“I will have a few words with that pig farmer lady!” the scholar muttered and straightened his hat tip.

So he went to Miss Pippa and knocked on her door.
“I am sorry, Master Bobby, but I really cannot confine Minnie to any place”, Miss Pippa sighed. “Free roaming pigs produce the best piglets, according to the studies.”
“Studies! Ha! Your free roaming pork creature is compromising MY studies!” Master Bobby grumbled.
“I am sorry, Master Bobby,” Pippa shrugged. “Minnie just loves crusty old papers, ‘s all.”
A loud rumble came from inside Pippa’s burrow. Miss Pippa turned and shouted: “Oh Nimsy! Don’t you try to hide those dirty dishes under an ore pile...” And Miss Pippa went back in to check her niece, leaving the grumpy neighbour on her doorstep. Master Bobby snorted and walked away, steam streaming out from the holes of his hat.
“I just need to keep my precious papers inside my burrow. Keep them secret, keep them safe… from pigs!”
But pigs are intelligent animals, and aspiring too. Minnie couldn’t forget the lovely taste of those crusty scrolls…

In addition to studying, Master Bobby also loved the social life. He was a common sight at parties, burrow crawls, inn nights, you name it. After a long night of some casual festivities, he returned home… just to find his burrow door wide open and scraps of paper lying all over on the ground. Were those hoof marks? Furious, Master Bobby dashed into his study and found the pig, napping peacefully in his napp—studying chair. The study was a total mess… the shelves were emptied from scrolls, relics were lying here and there… Fast as lightning, the angry scholar chased the pig out from his burrow. Outside, he scolded the garden dwarf.
“You should have guarded the door!” Master Bobby grumbled. The garden dwarf hiccupped and tried to look innocent.
“Did the pig bribe you with brandy…? Eating ancient scrolls has made it very wise indeed!” Master Bobby sighed.

With Nimsy’s help, Master Bobby dug a deep hole where he could bury his precious scrolls in a sturdy chest. Still, he was a bit suspicious about this solution, and he decided to carry the most precious and tastiest scrolls along with him.
“I bet that pig can smell the scrolls with its devilish snout wherever they are”, Bobby concluded. “I just have to guard them myself then.”
And so he did.

As the pig had eaten most of Master Bobby’s collection, he had to make another scholarly trip out of bounds. This time, the road took him all the way to Breeland, to the infamous Midgewater Marshes. There were some old ruins in the middle of the marshes, probably a gold mine of old texts and relics. He had to be careful though – the ground was treacherous and soggy, and there were many places to get stuck if you didn’t pay attention. Soon, Master Bobby reached the ruins and started to inspect them, searching for any interesting items.

After many hours, he had found some interesting scraps of paper and stuffed them into his backpack. But he had been too long at them ruins, and it was getting dark… So when he started to walk back through the marshes, he didn’t see a watery hole and walked right into it… He was properly stuck, and with every movement he made, he seemed to sink deeper into the soggy ground.
“This will be the end of me… and my scrolls!” Master Bobby wailed. “The gnats will eat me for a midnight breakfast.”
Then, he heard some strange and scary noises from the distance. Something was approaching him in the mist! Thinking of all possible monsters from old gammers’ tales, Bobby trembled like a leaf of an ancient text, waiting for the creature to appear in front of him…

Then he saw it: Minnie, trotting confidently towards him and looking happy as ever. For the first time, Bobby was happy to see the pig.
“You followed me here?” Bobby asked, feeling baffled. The pig didn’t reply, but it sniffed loudly and looked hungrily at Bobby’s backpack.
“You are after them scrolls, eh?” Bobby said. “Quite a sniffer!”
But Bobby didn’t feel angry at the pig, given the circumstances.
“Could you pull me… along with them scrolls… and get me free?” he asked politely. Minnie oinked affirmatively and gripped Bobby’s backpack, pulling him out without trouble. Bobby thanked her with one of his minor scrolls, and the pig led him safely out from the marshes.

After the incident, Bobby and Minnie did get along much better. Actually, Bobby took Minnie along with him to his trips, making many of his female admirers jealous. Minnie could easily locate any hidden scrolls for Bobby… he just had to let her taste the edges first, as a part of the deal. Anyway, shortly afterwards, Master Bobby published his first scientific paper: “How to Define the Age of Scrolls with the Help of Swine Taste Buds”.

And they lived happily ever after.
The end.

((This story has been inspired by some in-game events in our village, Songburrow.))

Old Bloodtusk: the O(ink)rigins

Each Yule, when the Frostbluff opens up its gates, travellers from all Middle-earth come to enjoy the wintery fun. Some go to the theatre, in the hopes of seeing the play “An Ode to Old Bloodtusk”, only to get disappointed: to this day, the play has not yet been performed at the theatre. A group of Shire hobbits have performed it a few times though, so you might be familiar with the vicious boar and the terror it caused in Bree-land and beyond. There are many stories about that horrible hog that once terrorized Sprigley’s farm in Archet. This one tells how Old Bloodtusk ended up in Archet and where it came from. The story takes place before Yule, and it also explains a few other things.

It all started in Evendim, sometime in late autumn. Those days, there was still pigs and pork in Evendim, unlike today. The tall folks farmed their pigs here and there, where the creatures could roll happily in mud, and enjoy their lives. Autumn was a season loved by the pigs: for some reason, the farmers started to give them more food at that time. It was like an all-you-can-eat buffet for the pigs, all day long.

One day on a farm, the pigs were scoffing their oinkteenth meal and conversing in their own language, Oinkish.
“I just love autumn!” a striped pig oinked, digging into some mashed veggies. “So much to eat!”
“This has been a good harvest season, it seems,” a black pig oinked back. “We are getting more than just the leftovers from our Master’s meals.”
“And the best thing is”, a very large pig added, “that the ones who grow largest during this time of the year are allowed to join the Master at his Yule feast! He said that himself!”
“You will do well in that competition”, the striped pig oinked and sighed. “I bet the food’s oinklicious, as no pig never returns to our pigsty after that feast!”
Suddenly, the conversation was disrupted by gloomy laughter that came from a nearby bush. The pigs startled a bit. “Who’s there?” they squealed. But they only saw two eyes glowing in the bush.
“You simple oinkers are just eating your way to your own doom. Didn’t yer sows tell you that there are no free meals in this world?”
And then it came out from the bush: it was a boar, wild and grim, armed with two sharp tusks. It was the Old Bloodtusk, a beast that everyone knew and feared.
“What do you know about any of that, you savage Warty Wartface?” the large pig snorted. “You’ve never been to a pigsty or lived with the two-footed masters. You are just full of jealousy!”
The other pigs oinked in agreement, but Old Bloodtusk just smirked.
“I would never submit to a two-footed wretch! Don’t you understand that this lovely Master of yours growing you fat so you could join his table… not as a guest, but as the main dish!”
The pigs squealed in disbelief. “You don’t know our Master, he is a good person! He is treating us so well!”
“Well, have you ever seen a pig that has oinked back from his Yule table?” Old Bloodtusk asked. “What do you reckon, does your sweet Master entertain them as his guests all year round, year after year?”
That made the pigs look a bit uncertain. The striped one stepped forward. “If that’s true, what should be do about it, you Old and Wise Bloodtusk?”
“You should all escape and run away!” Old Bloodtusk declared. “Save your precious hides and chops.”
“Dear oh dear”, the pigs squealed. “That’s not an option for us! We will be eaten by wolves and bears if we run away!”
“Not if I lead you”, Old Bloodtusk said. “These lands are not safe for oinkers. Join me, and I will show you a place where we can all roll in the mud peacefully and be plump and happy.”
“If all the pigs of Evendim join and travel together, no beast nor man will dare to attack them.”
The pigs looked slightly more confident.
“I will return in a few weeks and then, I will lead you to your freedom.”

And sure, Old Bloodtusk did as promised. He managed to convince all the pigs of Evendim to join him in his quest. When time came, he started to gather all the pigs to his oinker ranks, one farm at a time, after nightfall.

It was certainly a sight. In the moonlight, they went forward like a stream of pork, lead by their fearsome leader who was armed with the deadliest tusks of oinkkind. The wild creatures of Evendim didn’t even dare to disrupt their journey. They headed towards south, and everything went quite peacefully until they reached the sandy beaches of Brandywine, the Brown Flat-lands.
There on the shore, a pierate ship was getting ready for departure. In the bright moonlight, they spotted the wandering pigs. The pigs shivered at the evil-looking pierates, but Old Bloodtusk didn’t. He turned to the pigs and hissed: “Let me have an oink with those scruffy ruffians. That boat will take us to the lands where we are all safe.”
“Where will it take us to, Old Bloodtusk?” the pigs asked.
“White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise”, Old Bloodtusk oinked, with a happy glimmer in its eyes. “With lots of mud and turnip mash.”
“Well, that isn’t so bad”, the pigs muttered.
“It isn’t,” Old Bloodtusk nodded. “You just wait here and let me handle this for you. Follow me when I have finished with the two-legged idiots.”

“Ahoy, cap’n!” one pierate gasped. “Months of pork roast be comin’ right at us!”
“We could do wit' some extra supplies,” the captain nodded. “Prepare some cabin for that grub!”
“One o' them be approachin' us,” the pierate gasped. “Be ready t' grab it! We shall 'ave pork pie fer months, lads!”

The pierates never knew what hit them. One by one, they fell overboard, some into the waters, some onto the sandy beach, all oinkstruck by Old Bloodtusk. In the heat of the battle, the anchor rope tore off and the ship drifted offshore, driven by the Brandywine stream. Only Old Bloodtusk was left onboard. The pigs could hear his oinks in the night: “Just follow the river, to the south! Meet me in the hobbit lands…”

The pigs didn’t want to stand there and wait for the pierates to recover, so they started to go southward as instructed. But as they started to wobble away, they met an old hobbit on the beach. He seemed to be on a night walk with his pipe and walking stick.
“Hullo there, and no need to be afraid,” he said to the frightened oinkers. “I won’t hurt you. I was just on my night walk. My son has lost his toy dog, and I was looking for it… Then I saw the ship and the boar… What was that?”
The pigs oinked and the old hobbit lad seemed to understand. “So, the Old Bloodtusk, a match for a shipful of pierates! I am sure a creature like that would be worth of a story… a play even… ‘An Ode to Old Bloodtusk’!”
The old lad seemed to get lost in his thoughts, and the pigs didn’t want to waste more time in those dreadful lands, so they continued with haste. If all hobbits were as harmless as the old lad they had met, their lands shouldn’t be too scary either.

When they reached the northern border of the Shire, something stopped them in their tracks: it was the loveliest music they had ever heard! Well, at least it sounded lovely in pig’s ears: the music consisted mainly of squeaks, oinky melodies and squeals. Then they saw her: a young red-haired hobbit lass, playing a pibgorn. When the lass saw them, she smiled happily and said. “Oh, pigs! Say, are you lost?” The pigs oinked and looked at the pibgorn as if they were under a spell. “Well, I better go back home to Budgeford, it’ll be breakfast time soon,” she said and smiled. She continued her playing and started to walk southwards. And all the pigs followed her squeaking. All the way to Budgeford where they found turnip mash, lovely mud and all that.
“This must be the land Old Bloodtusk was talking about,” the pigs thought. “Strange that he didn’t arrive here first! Oh well, he will turnip eventually…”

What happened to Old Bloodtusk? Well, they say the ship foundered in a storm somewhere down the Brandywine River, but there was not a trace of Old Bloodtusk. Still, we know that he eventually ended up in Archet where he settled down in a rotting tree stump and started his career as a constant menace. Somewhere on the shores of Brandywine, Master Ronald Dwale wrote a play about the wild boar for the Frostbluff theatre, but it never got performed there, sadly. Only a Shire-based acting troupe has managed to perform the tale for other hobbits. Oh, and Budgeford has been the pork capital of Middle-earth ever since, thanks to Old Bloodtusk and the pibgorn lass. These days, she squeaks happily among the musical Brandy Badgers, spreading the message of pork. And Evendim has never seen a single pig after this incident.

As for the pigs… yes, they oinked happily ever after.

Songburrow Piggies

Somet strange is going on at Songburrow Hall
Someone's building a large pigsty in the front yard
It is surely meant for many piggies!

Soon them piggies roll around in the lovely mud
They are getting hungry and want some better stuff
So they run away to Lully's turnips!

Then they see a hungry feller come along
“Does he eat piggies?”... Piggies shiver
That scares them little piggies
So they fly away like wary birdies!

Many of those piggies were baked into pies
But some of them still carry on with their lives
Eating Potty's notes down in the study!

About the song

Ever since Miss Tibba brought her dear breeding pig to our kin hall in Songburrow, we have been living amongst a chaos. Piggies here and there, and mostly in the study, eating our precious mathoms. Here is a song inspired by these piggies, best oinked to a song by the Beatles, Piggies.

The Beatles – Piggies